40 Things Harry Potter is Not Allowed To Do
by siriusxremus22
Summary: Harry gets a Howler... This spells trouble, and... Three-somes! What is this all about? Disclaimer: I do not own anything, that honor belongs to J.K. Rowling. Warning: sexual content


40 Things Harry Potter is Not Allowed to do…

Two cloaked figures quietly stepped into the misty night, "All right Pig, take this…" one figure started, "to Harry Potter, got it?" finished the other. They let the owl go. The figures looked at each other and grinned. They could about imagine what Harry's face would look like when he got the Howler at school the next morning…

Harry was at breakfast surrounded by the whole school when the men's howler arrived. Fearfully Harry opened it. Right away it started talking in its magnified voice. "Things Harry Potter isn't allowed to do at Hogwarts." Harry groaned.

"Let the list commence!

Harry Potter is not allowed to kiss girls. I mean really, we all know he's gay. (Ron don't go feinting now)

Harry is not allowed to date Draco Malfoy, no matter how hot he looks in a maid's costume. (Draco don't deny wearing a maid's costume. We have pictures.)

Harry Potter is not allowed to shag Draco Malfoy. Doesn't matter that you aren't dating. No snogging either.

No strip teasing for Snape. It's just not right.

Don't strip tease for Snape even if he offers extra credit.

Don't ask Professor McGonagall if her pussy bites.

Just because Professor McGonagall is a cat animagi doesn't mean you can call her a pussy. She doesn't come over to you if you chant 'Here pussy, pussy, pussy.'

Filch, Snape, and Professor Grubbly-Plank are not in a three-some relationship, so don't ask if you can join them.

Professor Dumbledore is not a pedophile; you may not ask him if he is. (He may very well say yes.)

You may not ask Professor Dumbledore if he likes touching you.

Harry Potter may not spread illicit rumors about Professor Grubbly-Plank having an affair with a blast-ended skrewt.

You may however start one about Draco and a Hippogriff. (No unicorns though they're too good for the likes of him.)

You may not say that Pansy Parkinson is a mad cow behind her back. You may however say this to her face.

Moaning Myrtle does not have the 'hots' for Sir Cardogan. You may not say that she has.

Just because Professor Snape is a pedophile, does not mean you can tease him into touching you. It's just plain wrong.

Harry Potter may not dress up as a basilisk to get into the Slytherin common room incognito to see Draco.

Nor may he dress as Lucius Malfoy.

Or Snape

Or a Veela.

Harry Potter may not spread rumors that Batthilda Bagshot is a lesbian and is currently shagging one Pansy Parkinson.

He may however state the true fact that Pansy Parkinson is Lesbian. (Not that we have anything against Gays, Lesbians, or Bi's. We just have something against Pansy.)

Harry Potter is not allowed to give Blaise Zambini a blow job.

Harry Potter is not allowed to spread rumors about himself and Sirius Black when everyone knows he's really going out with Remus Lupin. (p.s. Sirius said he'll see you on Christmas break at the usual place Hermione.)

Harry Potter may not spread rumors about Viktor Krum and Ron even if they're true. (Nice catch Won-won!)

Harry Potter is not allowed to release details of mine and my brother's relationship.

Harry Potter is not allowed to play truth or dare in hopes of getting to shag someone while Remus is gone.

He is not allowed to shag Remus in the Gryffindor commons room.

Or in the Great Hall

Or ever again on the Headmaster's desk. (Yeah we know ALL about that one.)

Harry Potter is not allowed to let people think he's a whore.

Nor is he allowed to prove them right.

Harry Potter is not allowed to string Ginny along. (We will kill you.)

Harry Potter is not allowed to send pornography to You-Know-Who.

He is not allowed to tell You-Know-Who that a good shag would help him from being so uptight.

Nor is he to offer to help him with that.

Harry Potter is not allowed to send Professor McGonagall on a date with You-Know-Who under the pretenses of 'you can help each other pull the sticks out of each other's arses.

Harry Potter is not allowed to dye Professor Flitwick's room pink. He may; however, turn Professor Snape's room pink.

Harry Potter is not to tell Snape to just shag Draco already and get over it.

Nor is he allowed to tell Professor McGonagall to shag Mrs. Norris as that would result in Filch having a heart attack… on second thought, have at that one.

And last but not least," the voice said, "40. Harry Potter is not allowed to die fighting

You-Know-Who. After all where would the rest of us be without you? (Even you Draco so shut up.)"

With that the letter ripped itself apart. Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then clapping started. People started laughing. Even Snape joined in. With one letter Fred and George had united Hogwarts. A tear rolled down Harry's cheek as he smiled. Suddenly, life was looking up.

The end.


End file.
